


Just Say Yes

by EzraTheBlue



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pillow Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 13:17:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6007618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzraTheBlue/pseuds/EzraTheBlue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gojyo has a question. Or two.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Just Say Yes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lauand](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lauand/gifts), [opalmatrix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/opalmatrix/gifts).



> This was written in response to indelicateink's "create!" challenge. I offered a few prompts, and both Lauand and Chomiji requested "just say yes," and Lauand added the condition "that it doesn't refer to marriage!" Ahaha, there went the easy route... 
> 
> I wanted to explore something kind of painful, and then I got the idea for something silly, and what was meant to be a one-shot became a two-shot. No beta (sorry). Enjoy, and Happy Valentine's Day!

“I'm not sure what you want me to say.” Hakkai fished for his monocle on the side table, but Gojyo captured his hand and clasped it tight, then pinned it to the too-thin inn pillow.

“You know what I want you to say.” Gojyo let the weight of his arm fall heavily onto Hakkai's, mulled-wine-warm eyes glimmering in the starlight from the window. Hakkai struggled against him, and Gojyo gamely released his arm to let him sit up. The bed creaked under him, the springs groaning under their combined weight, as Hakkai found his monocle and put it back on, and Gojyo grimaced and sat up. Hakkai couldn't see him tremble, lost as he stared down at his own hands where they were folded on the threadbare sheet. Even in the dim light through their dusty inn room window, Hakkai could now see that Gojyo was watching him, near glaring, hungrily. “You really ain't gonna, are you?”

“Gojyo, I...” Hakkai struggled, then sighed. “I'm not sure why you're asking now, of all times.”

He was lying, and he knew it, and he imagined Gojyo did too. They knew they'd barely scraped past the dark Sanzo with life and limb all intact, with their collective pride at least a little bruised by the ordeal. Sanzo was still nursing the last of his wounds, with Goku constantly at his side, sleeping in his own bandages in the chair next to his bed. Gojyo, too, was still sore, and Hakkai knew he was still tired from draining his ki into the others, without being able to effectively heal himself. He knew better than any of them how close they'd all come to the edge of the river Sanzu. Their footsteps on that strand had hardly been swallowed by the tide, behind them but still fresh and raw, so of course, Gojyo would start asking these sorts of questions now.

He should have known the brush-off wouldn't have worked on any level, either. “I'm asking now 'cause there might not be a later. We could'a died yesterday. We could die tomorrow. The roof could fall in on us in the next ten seconds, and we'll be dead as dodos. So yeah, I'm asking now. It's not like it's a hard question.” Gojyo scowled, though his eyebrows were knit up to make it look like a petulant pout as much as anything. “I just want a straight yes or no. That's it.”

“Gojyo...” Hakkai failed to complete the thought, then pinched his brow and sighed. He knew where this would go, how it would go. He could say 'No,' but he knew where that would lead. That would mean that the warm, cozy nights spent sharing too-small beds, space, body heat, and affection would be gone. The sated, sleepy exhaustion of post-coital contentment and the throbbing bruises of hickeys would fade with time and distance, soon leaving no reminder of what they'd shared. Gojyo would probably still be his friend, smile at him, pat on his back though he outwardly avoided contact (yet craved that heavy, warm hand), but the discreet kisses would stop. Gojyo would pull away from him, however subtly, and the half of him that had been torn away from him years ago would be starkly outlined for the absence, if only because Gojyo had done his devil best to fill in that hole.

Saying yes, though, that was even more dangerous. That could hurt even more.

“I'm not ready to answer.” Hakkai found his knees curled into his chest, and though Gojyo's gaze raked him from his side of the bed, he couldn't bear to try to challenge him. “I'm very tired. Can we sleep?”

“I can't sleep like this.” Gojyo planted his palm and pushed himself from the bed. He swiped the sheet and wrapped it around his waist, then shook his hair out. Hakkai found his gaze lingering on the bandages still pasted on his side, his shoulder, his gut, but made himself meet Gojyo's livid glower with forced calm. “You have no idea how long this's been bugging me. I mean, we started this, and the first few times, it was just a thing, and it was good, but then it kept going.” He was clenching and releasing his free hand, then finally went for the cigarettes in his jacket where it was tossed over the closet door. “If it were just fucking, then I wouldn't care what you thought of me. But thing is, it's more than that. It's fucking personal between us.”

Hakkai swallowed, because he couldn't refute a word of it. Gojyo, however, was still sulking around the cigarette between his lips, almost frantically dragging the flame through the paper. “It kept going on, and what we had was good.” Hakkai didn't deny that, either. There was no greater comfort than reaching for Gojyo's hand in the middle of the night and feeling his fingers grasp him in return and squeeze tight. The only thing better was just knowing that he could do that, whether it was rain or nightmares disturbing him, and never being rebuffed, and knowing that Gojyo would rouse, brandy-wine bedroom eyes already aglow, and ask what was wrong. He knew that Gojyo appreciated embraces after long days, shoulder rubs after fights, and even though he got his hindquarters handed to him on a platter every time, he loved their poker games. Gojyo might not have been eloquent enough to express it, but Hakkai knew what he was thinking (knew him too well for anything less), and Hakkai admired his straightforward simplicity anyway.

Still, he had to answer. “What we have is good, Gojyo. Are you dissatisfied?”

“No!” He smashed his cigarette on the end table, and Hakkai would have chided him for scorching the wood, but this place wouldn't matter in twelve hours any way. He was getting the feeling he wouldn't want to remember tonight at all. “That's just it! You're... you're fucking perfect!”

Hakkai cringed, humiliation melting through him. “You can't mean that,” he said, without realizing that his tone had dropped to the same low, dangerous timbre that was often the only hint anyone got of his anger before he could mask it with passive-aggression. Gojyo's visible hurt deepened, the lines in his face cast in deeper shadow against the harsh, too-bright lamp, and Hakkai felt his mood shift.

“Take a fucking compliment, shit. Don't you get it? You're everything I didn't think I wanted.” Gojyo drew himself up as tall as he got, shoulder bones rigid, muscles tense. Hakkai's mouth went dry, but he could swear he was smelling ozone, like Gojyo was about to ignite. “I didn't think anyone would ever want me enough to keep me around, so I didn't bother trying. Then there's you, and you come in and flip my fucking script. I thought you'd be the first and last guy I took to bed, but it turns out you got legs and learned to walk there your damn self.” Hakkai could see his fingers twitching again, and it came to him that despite all appearances, Gojyo was still holding back, and he might have been holding back for a very long time. This was a mere trickle compared to what he was forcing back into the floodgates of machismo and pride, and Hakkai still felt small in the face of his anger. “I should'a been mad! Or something! But your kisses...” Gojyo touched his own cheek. “Your touch... the way you talk to me, the way you get me, it's all so good.” He shut his eyes in reminiscence, and Hakkai let his eyes fall closed as well.

He knew how good Gojyo felt, how Gojyo melted against him, how he could sink into his heat and lose himself, and forget all the things he hated about himself for a few glorious minutes.

“I didn't think I did dudes, but then there was you, and you sure as shit proved me wrong.” Gojyo pushed his hair back from his face, then dragged his fingers through his part and left the strands sloppy and hanging in his face. “The way you felt on me... shit, the way you tasted... the first time I felt your dick bottom out...” He moved his hand back to his cheek, but Hakkai could tell he was actually embarrassed at the memory. He faintly realized he was matching Gojyo's gesture with his own hand, and forcibly pushed it away as Gojyo winced behind his fingers. “Being with you was the best. And, then you'd hold me and tell me I was good, and I never thought I'd ever want anything else. That's the one thing I ain't been wrong about in my entire life so far.” He dragged his hand off his face, and Hakkai realized he'd pressed his fingers into those two familiar scars.

Hakkai felt something sink in him. The damage he was doing by stalling was deeper than he'd imagined.

“I guess I just thought that you might want me the same way I want you.” Gojyo folded his arms again, and hung his head so that Hakkai couldn't see his expression. Hakkai remained, frozen in place, stunned into silence. “I thought you... shit, I'm such an idiot.”

“Gojyo, please.” The hot, burning sensation of shame that had seethed in his chest rushed to his tongue as he made himself speak. “You don't know what you ask of me. I've been there before, and while it's wonderful while you're there, losing it is the most painful thing you can imagine. If what you said is true, and we do die tomorrow, or if one of us dies and leaves the other, then won't it be easier without the weight of that as a burden on whichever of us is left behind?”

He'd hoped that would convince Gojyo to drop it, to shrug and give in and take what Hakkai could give, what little his tiny, selfish heart could still afford. He could hope in vain that Gojyo could hold onto this thought for a day when maybe they might not die tomorrow or the day after that, and maybe then, Hakkai would be brave enough to venture more.

But no. Gojyo scoffed, then laughed quietly. “Yeah, guess I should'a known.” He tossed the sheet back onto the bed and went for the pile of dirty clothes he'd dumped under the window. “That's me, alright. A burden.”

The shame broke into pain, then panic. He pushed both under and moved towards Gojyo. “That's not what I meant.”

“It's what you said. Fuck it.” Gojyo yanked his jeans on. “Worthless. Just a load, like I was before, like always.” Hakkai felt a pang of loss as he pushed the button into place. “Thing is, I figured you'd say something like that. I guess... fuck.” He dropped his hands to his sides, then met Hakkai's face for the first time since he'd started ranting. There was no deflecting smile, only an injury that ran so much deeper than those two scars. “I guess I thought I was worth the risk.”

Hakkai couldn't let that stand. He threw the covers back and rose, just as Gojyo passed the bed and made for the door. “Gojyo.” He grabbed Gojyo's wrist, and Gojyo whirled on him, injury boiling under the thin veneer of insult. Hakkai swallowed, and composed himself. “I want you to ask me again.”

“I need to walk this off.”

“Gojyo, the roof could fall on us in the next ten seconds, and you won't have your answer.” Hakkai changed his grip to a caress. “Please ask me again, and I'll try to answer.”

Gojyo set his lips in a hard line, then put on a smirk. “It's fine. Let go. I'm really not in the mood for games.”

“Gojyo.” Hakkai's legs trembled, his knees locked, because he could feel Gojyo pushing him out, and he didn't think he could go back to shallow conversation and meaningless smiles. “Please.”

Gojyo sighed, and looked Hakkai in the eyes. The warm affection in his face when he'd asked it in the haze of their post-orgasmic bliss was gone, but now Hakkai could see and feel the thin edge of fear in him. “Do you love me?”

Terror spiked through Hakkai, because love meant loss, and he'd already lost half of himself. If he offered a scrap more to Gojyo and lost it, he'd be out all that much more, and he didn't know how much more he could lose and hold together at all. Still, he knew the answer. He'd answered it all in his own head when he had been trying not to say anything.

Gojyo pursed his lips, and turned to close the distance. “No matter what your answer is, Hakkai, you won't change mine.”

Hakkai heaved a sigh and cupped Gojyo's cheek in his hand, then ran his thumb down the scars. “You know my answer, don't you?”

Gojyo, of course, fell right into that touch and smiled, relaxing against him as if he'd just been waiting for Hakkai to give him something. “Just say it, then. Just say yes.”

Hakkai leaned in, lips just brushing Gojyo's. “Yes.”

With that, Gojyo kissed him, and Hakkai's insecurity was swallowed.

 


	2. ALTERNATE TAKE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The same answer to a different question.

**ALTERNATE TAKE:**

“C'mon, babe, just say yes.” Gojyo crawled up Hakkai's chest and kissed the hollow of his throat, then tilted his jaw up to nibble along his cheek.

Hakkai inhaled harshly, painfully, his raw nerves all tingling at the contact, but ran his hand through Gojyo's hair. “I believe I said yes earlier.” Gojyo had been so relieved at Hakkai's full recovery, pulling the last bandages off and kissing the adhesive-marked skin as it was revealed. He'd waited to Goku to escort Sanzo off to bed, then gathered Hakkai into his arms bridal-style and showed him just how much he'd missed being able to touch and move Hakkai in just the way he liked and wanted. (Just the way Hakkai liked and wanted, if he was being honest with himself.) And yet, here in the wee hours, with starlight dying out into dawn and pink light spreading across the floor of their tiny in room, Gojyo was still wanting more. “I said yes several times, if memory serves.”

“Yeah, I know.” Gojyo nuzzled his cheek again, humming with sated, sleepy happiness, with the contentment of someone who'd just enjoyed a good meal, every bite. “And every time was good, and you're good, and I just want a little more.”

“Goodness, you're going to make me need a multivitamin to keep up with you. Am I really that old?” Hakkai tried to push Gojyo off, gently because there was a facet of him that didn't want Gojyo to move, never wanted him to go away. Gojyo mumbled indistinct scolding, and Hakkai eased him back. “Gojyo, we have to get up in the morning.”

“It already is morning, and I'm already up.” He rubbed his hips against Hakkai's thigh, indicating just how _up_ he was, and Hakkai felt his own prick twitch with interest, ready to rise again at the stimulus. Hakkai silently chided his own erection, but ran his hand down through Gojyo's hair again.

“We both could use some sleep. Besides, aren't you sore?” Memories of the last few rounds ran on repeat against his eyelids, the arch of Gojyo's back, the tight grip of his hands, words of jumbled praise of how good Hakkai tasted, felt, felt inside of him, pleas to touch and grab and grope and lick, and Hakkai very nearly wanted to answer them all over again. Nearly. He could see fingerprint bruises on Gojyo's shoulders, blooming bruises on his neck and chest where his lips had latched and sucked, and Hakkai swore he could hear Gojyo's vertebrae groan as he straightened up again, still straddling him, the sheet sliding off of his bare torso. He probably wouldn't be able to sit for a week without cringing, yet he still showed off, entreating attention, pleading for more. He glowed in the dawn light, each muscle outlined in shadow, and Hakkai swallowed, his mouth suddenly bone-dry.

“Never too sore for you. Just one more round, Hakkai. I'm already loose and wet.” Gojyo felt around under the sheets to find Hakkai's hand, ready to prove it to him, and Hakkai's breath hitched at the thought.

“Please--”

“Please, babe.” Gojyo found his wrist, then pulled it up to kiss the back of his hand. “You don't know how many more nights we're gonna have.” He stroked down Hakkai's chest, finding the last little catch of adhesive where his stomach had been bandaged, then lavishing the pad of his thumb across the old ridge of scar. “We don't know how many more mornings we gotta wake up for. Let's put this one off just a little longer.”

“Oh, Gojyo.” Hakkai's stomach flip-flopped, and groaned his pleasure as Gojyo ground against his leg again. “Just one more?”

“Just say yes, babe.”

“For you, yes.” With that, Hakkai sat up and kissed him, and began to make good on it.

 


End file.
